Getting a Grip

The boys are in bed and I'm getting ready to turn in myself. I had grand plans of staying up late tonight and getting some things accomplished, but I am plain tired and think I will try to read for a bit instead. I've spent the past couple of days feeling really down in the dumps - - just feeling so blah. I decided to just give myself a couple of days, but then I need to make that concerted effort to get on with all of this because a long year will be even longer if I choose to wallow. It is not a wallowing about, "I can't do this", but just that I seriously cannot believe that we are not going to see Steve for such a long time. It just stinks, plain and simple.

I'm also seeing pretty clearly that for the foreseeable future, this will be something that we deal with on a day-to-day basis, as far as how everyone is doing emotionally. Camden has broken down a couple of times this week, completely out of the blue. Griffin is still pretty reserved, but very clingy to me and wanting to make sure I am not going anywhere. I'm so proud of how well they are doing, but oh my goodness do they miss their Daddy.

My laptop has been out of commission since this past June (when my battery bit the dust) but I finally ordered a new battery yesterday, along with a high-def web cam. Cannot wait to start using Skype with Steve. It doesn't sound as though he will have great Internet access while in Mississippi, but ironically, once he gets to Iraq, it will be much better.

I am so thankful for modern technology - - it has been really great to be able to exchange text messages with Steve, and even talk with him a couple of times each day. Tonight, while at Camden's soccer game, I was able to give Steve the play-by-play throughout the game, and send him a picture of Cam via text message. I will miss this aspect so much when he leaves the United States, but will make the most of it for now, while we have that luxury.

I am immediately seeing how different this deployment is going to be from the previous one. So very different with two little boys, than with one baby. Before, I was working full-time outside the home, now I am a full-time homemaker. My relationship with Steve is so much different now than it was five years ago. I know that I depend on his companionship so much more than I ever did back then. I think this will be my most challenging adjustment. I know that I just need to give myself some time to get use to all of this.

Amping Up

We are still in "amp -up" mode around these parts...have only seen Steve for a period of about 30 minutes in the past 2.5 weeks, but we are about to get to spend a few days with him, which will be great. I know that he is really looking forward to some rest and relaxation before the big craziness begins.

I have been really pleased with how well both boys have adjusted to Steve's absence while he's been at training. We've had some tears here and there, and a couple of pretty decent meltdowns, but all-in-all, they've done great. Steve was able to stop by the house a few days ago (to drop off some gear), and could only stay for a few minutes. The look on Camden's face when he saw Steve was so heartbreaking...haven't been able to get it out of my mind since. I do think Camden internalized a lot of what he is feeling, but that's kind of how he operates anyway. They have both been asking a lot of questions, on a pretty regular basis, so this is good. I'm prepared for the coming weeks to be difficult, but hopefully with all the things we have going on right now, there will be enough distraction to help the boys along.

As for myself, I feel like I have finally turned a corner (thank goodness). We had an extremely stressful summer, which just did not help matters in the least. So many little things going on that didn't need to be going on, which only contributed to the stress already at hand. Pile all of that together and it is just a big ol' recipe for disaster. We made it through, though, and I think the routine of school, fall sports, etc., is helping me get my head back in the game. My parents have also arrived from Maine, which gives Steve a huge sense of relief, which gives me a huge sense of relief. So, many good things are happening. I guess I would say that, come August, I was feeling almost "wimpy" about the impending deployment...getting weepy whenever I'd think about it too much, wondering how I would ever survive (when I know full-well that I'll be just fine). I don't like feeling like that, so I'm really happy to be feeling like myself again. I guess you could say I am in "protective" mode right now...very protective of my children - - making sure the influences around them are positive. Protective of Steve - - keeping things low-stress, and keeping the focus on our family of four. And, protective of myself...not letting others get to me, and not allowing myself to take on other's stress.

Sweet Nectar of the Gods

The planets have aligned, the heavens have opened, and a Starbucks has just opened, less than a mile from my home in our teeny, tiny little town. I may just survive this deployment after all!

Family Dinner

Do you sit down to family dinner each night? We do, and it is a pretty important part of our family life together. Both Steve and I were raised sitting down to family dinner, and we knew when we had a family of our own, we would do the same thing.

I was thinking, just the other day, that making family dinner happen while Steve is deployed, will probably be one of my big challenges. I know in the past when he's been away, it is so much easier for me to just throw something together for the boys, and then just eat a bowl of cereal myself, or...you guessed it...their leftovers. This time I'm going to try really hard to make sure the table is set each night, and that I'm still preparing a balanced meal for the three of us to share.