So Long, Farewell....

If you haven't figured it out by now, I've pretty much given up on this blog. I seriously don't know what I was thinking when I started it - - I can barely keep up with my original blog, much less, two of them! So, if you'd like to read about our deployment, you can just read it all at the original Way Out West. The good, the bad, and the ugly! It is mostly all good, but every now and then I'll need to let off a little steam and do some venting, so consider yourself warned! Hope to see you there!

Man Chores

First let me start by saying that I am a completely capable woman. I have been through deployment before, and in my husband's absence have supervised home construction projects, dealt with electrical problems, mowed the lawn with one arm while balancing a baby on my hip with the other, dealt with plumbing problems, automobile problems, etc.. You know what I'm saying - - pretty much anything that can go wrong usually does while your spouse is deployed, and you just get through it. That being said, I just have to tell you how much I dislike, and dislike tending to, Man Chores. These are the things that yes, my husband typically does, when he's around. The main two are taking out the garbage, and taking the recyclables to the recycling center. I don't know what it is, but I just have the hardest time working up the ambition to complete either.

Since our garage really isn't being used for anything other than a place to house Steve's car while he's away, it has been way to convenient for me to let the recycling pile to the ceiling. It also has worked as a great "trash room" - - much easier to set the bag of garbage out there, rather than have to "suit up" and walk it out to the alley way. The only problem is, I do it over and over, each time conveniently forgetting that I put trash out there. The next thing I know, I've got 7 bags in a heap, and they still need to make it out to the alley for trash pick up.

Over the weekend, I started the process of trying to reform my ways. All of the garbage bags are in the proper place - - in the cans in the alley. All the recycling has been recycled, although it took me two trips to get it all there. The neighbors must have wondered where I had been storing all of that cardboard.

A New Book and a Letter

Camden came home from school yesterday with a book that his teacher gave to him and it is so cute! He was also extra-excited, because in early December, each student in his class wrote a letter to Steve. Today, the class received a letter back from him. I could tell how proud Camden was to have the letter read to his class, and that they spent time talking about his Dad. Steve plans to go in and visit with Camden's class when he's home on R&R, which I bet will be a huge hit.

Counting the Days...

...until R&R, that is. Let me just say it is getting very close. With all that the boys and I have going on right now, it will be here before I know it. I had a nice, long chat via Skype with Steve this morning, and it was just what I was needing. Camden and Griffin were both at school, so we were able to really talk about a whole bunch of things. I've been missing Steve so much lately, and I wish I could get a grip on that. It's a combination of things really - - post-holiday let-down, cold & dreary weather, not seeing many adults. I'm really making a concerted effort to get out of these doldrums and get on with it.

Steve and I spent a lot of time talking about what we'd like to do during R&R. I'd mentioned that I'd really like for the two of us to get away for one night - - go out for dinner and stay overnight in Boise, but getting Steve to spend even 12 hours away from the boys is going to take a miracle - I could tell from his response. I'm going to keep working on him though because I think it is important for us to have at least a little time alone. We also talked about how we just want to "disappear" for a few days when he gets here. We discussed a few different options and they all sound like fun!

Catching up

I'm a little irritated with myself for not keeping better track of what we have been up to during the month of December, but oh well. As you can imagine, life has been pretty busy, what with the holidays and all, but I just haven't been in a blogging mood. We had a lot of fun things going on, and the boys have been on Christmas vacation from school, too. I guess right around Christmas, it all just got a little depressing for me. I think in general, I do a good job of maintaining a positive attitude, not letting myself get too down, etc., but for the past week or so it has just felt so lonely around here.

As far as the deployment goes, Steve is doing well and is very busy at work. He said he likes it that way because then he doesn't have any idle time on his hands to be homesick. R&R is coming up in the next few weeks and I can hardly wait to see him. All we really want to do is disappear with the boys and enjoy each other. We are busy making plans and I'm sure it will be here before we know it!

The boys continue to do well, although they definitely missed Steve on Christmas. We were very lucky in that we were able to Skype with him on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day. It was really bizarre having my laptop sitting there while the boys played with their new toys, Steve watching.

I think what I miss the most is plain old companionship. I suppose that is why I am feeling a little down now - - we are out of our regular routine, and although I have both boys home with me, I'm not seeing a whole lot of other adults. I miss Steve coming home at night, and I miss sitting on the sofa and talking with him after the boys go to bed. I find this deployment so much more isolating than the the last one, even though it is a shorter deployment. I think there are so many factors contributing to that. Right now I am just focusing on small increments of time. Working toward R&R right now.

Wow!

I'm still in shock...I finally got a box sent off to Steve last Thursday, and he has received it already...it took only six days to reach him! I can't believe it! I'm so happy because it gives me hope that he will get all of his Christmas presents in time. I have one more thing to mail to him, but won't be able to mail it until Saturday. Either way, he has the majority of his gifts. I really don't think there is any rhyme or reason to the mail though, because he sent Griffin a letter that arrived on Monday, and then he got another letter on Tuesday, which Steve had sent a week after the first one. So, who knows. Just glad he has it.

Settling In, Here and There

These past couple of weeks have been difficult. I think all four of us have been having some growing pains...I can't speak for Steve, but I know it has been tough here back home. Both of the boys have been having been struggling, between feeling insecure, having nightmares, and acting naughty (mainly Griffin on that last point, ahem). I've attributed this to the fact that we don't have ready access to Steve anymore, we don't have Skype up and running yet...it just hasn't been much fun.

The good news is, with each little bump in the road, I know the boys and I come out of it a little bit stronger. I mostly can't get over what a different experience this all is, in comparison to the last deployment. Sometimes I feel like I've never been through it before! The other good news is that it feels so good that now, we can really look forward to Steve coming home. Baby steps though...right now I am aiming for R & R in approximately four months.

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For Thanksgiving Day, the boys and I are really lucky to have my parents here with us. We are having a small dinner at their house next door - - I am afraid I will mostly be sniffing the food and not eating...still recovering from gallbladder surgery a couple of days ago! I'm just happy they are here with us!

Boy Things

At the river, throwing rocks. Please note Griffin's classic "pouty face" - - for some reason or another, he wasn't getting his way at that particular moment in time

Steve is really good at being a dad. When he gets home from work at night, he pretty much is at Camden and Griffin's disposal. He gives them both lots of attention, wrestles with them, reads to them, and listens to them. I often forget about how much they must miss that "boy time" with their dad. While there isn't any way that I can duplicate that for them, I have been trying to make more of a concerted effort to do "boy things" with them. Seriously, they are so simple and so small, but seem to mean so much to them. For example, it was cold and rainy the other day, and I think we all had a bit of cabin fever. I asked the boys if they'd like to go to the river to throw some rocks (a favorite activity with Steve) and they were suddenly bouncing off the walls. Off we went, threw a few dozen rocks, and then headed back home. I can't even remember how many times the boys mentioned how much fun they had. Another big one for Griffin is wrestling...good old getting down on the floor and rolling around. I've been trying to do this with him every day, although I'll be out of commission for a bit (just had gallbladder surgery yesterday). I think sometimes I get so bogged down in my responsibilities and my "mom" duties, that I forget they need boy time, too. Definitely not the same as having Dad around, but hopefully it helps!

I'm Glad That's Over With

This past weekend, that is. It was a doozy. It seems that all the planets aligned to create a perfect storm in my home, and it sure wasn't enjoyable. First of all, I had a very difficult time getting my head back in the game, after my 4-day getaway to New Orleans. Even though it was fabulous and I had the most relaxing time, I didn't come home relaxed. All that kid-free time somehow made me extra-sensitive to the bickering, whining, etc., and I just had NO patience for it at all! Add to that, the fact that Steve is now in the "travelling" phase to reach his deployment destination of Iraq. Please don't call me out on OPSEC because I have always been very vague/quiet regarding troop movement of any kind. However, it has amazed me that our local news affiliates have pretty much been reporting all aspects of the travel details. Really, I don't get it. I will stick by what I've been saying all along - - that he's en route, and he'll reach Iraq eventually. How's that?

I found myself feeling very emotional over the weekend. I guess because having Steve state-side these past couple of months was more comforting than I realized. Just knowing that he is now no longer in this country suddenly felt very depressing. Add to that, the fact that I just spent four days with him, and I'll tell you a lot of tears were shed whenever I could get a moment to myself. I gave myself that time and I woke up today and got on with it - - I don't have to like it, but I do need to keep myself positive and set a good example for these boys. They are doing great, by the way.

The boys received such a nice surprise in the mail today from a friend of mine. I have to say, I am so grateful for the people in my life who have taken the time to think of my little guys and who have gone out of their way to send them some cheer. I just hate having Steve deployed, but all I have to do is think about the boys, and really, how confusing and how difficult all of this is for them. I'm just so proud of them. They are the best boys ever. I'm also continually grateful to my parents. It has been so wonderful having them here these past 2 1/2 months. They are so good to the boys and to me and I am going to miss them so terribly when they have to head back to Maine.

Much-Needed Togetherness

After a lovely lunch at Bacco on Chartres Street, New Orleans

Earlier this week, I flew to New Orleans, Louisiana, to spend time with Steve before he left the country to begin his deployment. I'm so happy that I was able to take this trip, and that my parents were here in Idaho so that they could take care of the boys in my absence. It had been a long, long time since Steve and I had spent more than 24 hours, just the two of us (say, seven years or so!), and it was wonderful. Even though I am missing him terribly today, I think that being able to spend the past few days with him gave me the boost I have been needing. Steve and I have never been very good at making time for ourselves as a couple, and this trip certainly showed me how important it is. In every-day life, we don't have the luxury of being able to establish a regular date night, but I know I am going to make sure it happens, one way or the other, when he gets back from deployment. The boys don't know that I was with Steve - - they had really only recently started to adjust to him being gone, and neither of us felt it was a good idea to disrupt the progress they'd made. They were in great hands with my parents, which made my trip that much more enjoyable.

So, now we head into the meat of the deployment. No more cell phones (going to have a hard time adjusting to that), so no texting, and no calling each other multiple times per day. We'll have a bit of time here where we'll be out of contact with him, which is going to stink, but hopefully before long we'll have a new communication system in place. For some reason, there is a sense of relief that comes with this stage of the game. Now, I feel like I can finally start looking forward to him coming home. Probably it would be better to focus on looking forward to R&R. Baby steps!

**If you'd like to read about our time in New Orleans, then head over to my other blog, where I'll be writing about that for the next few days**

One Month Down

Okay, so we are a little more than one month into this deployment. Unfortunately, it still doesn't really feel like it has even started, because Steve is still state-side. I hate to wish for him to "hurry up and leave already", but I don't think I will feel like we are making progress (in getting this over with) until he gets to where he is going. Sounds weird, but somewhere in there, it makes sense to me. I know in a few weeks, when he is actually in Iraq, I'm going to be kicking myself, because we won't be able to call each other and text all the time like we do now.

The boys are doing really well. They really amaze me and I am constantly proud of them. They kind of go in cycles where one of them struggles and the other is doing better. Right now Griff seems to be having trouble, but I think a lot of that also has to do with all the transition he's going through, starting preschool. Today was the first day where he didn't sob uncontrollably when I dropped him off, so we are making progress!

I'm still plugging away, and I feel like I have settled into my new "normal". I miss Steve so much. I knew that I would, but I really had no idea I'd miss him this much. What can I say, I like the guy. A lot.

Thanks, Neighbor!

A couple of days ago, I had quite the interesting interaction with my neighbor. By the way, this would be the same neighbor who offered his help, the last time that Steve was deployed. I'd just returned home from picking my oldest up from school, and we were all getting out of the truck. Neighbor is standing out in his front yard, and we have the following exchange:

Neighbor: HEY! So your husband is coming home.
Me: Huh??
Neighbor: Yeah, they are sending the [insert name of my husband's brigade] home because they don't want them over there.
Me: Ummm....I don't thinks so.
Neighbor: Yes they are! So-and-so told me (so-and-so, by the way, isn't anyone I've ever heard of, but apparently his name was supposed to mean something to me).
Me: That's news to me, but I haven't heard anything about it.

Neighbor then responds with a shrug that says, "Whatever, you Stupid Woman."

What was stressing me out during this brief interaction was that one of the boys would pick up on this and then be saying, "Daddy's coming home????" By some small miracle, neither of them seemed to have heard - - they were too busy scrambling out of the truck, thank goodness. Seriously, Crazy Neighbor...use your head! Mind you, this is also the same neighbor who, a couple of hours later, yelled at me for letting my kids push each other up and down the sidewalk in their Cozy Coupe. Apparently the noise it produced wasn't to his liking.

Regroup

I've been struggling with this particular blog a little - - I think it is because my original blog, while a chronicle of sorts, tends to be about specific things - - something I baked, something I did with the kids, etc.. I think in my mind, I've been holding off on writing a lot of things because I keep waiting for something "specific" to happen, deployment related, when what I really wanted this to be more of a stream-of consciousness so I could keep record of this deployment. How's that for a run-on sentence? I've also realized that I don't tend to write if I don't have a picture to go with it, but really, there isn't a whole lot to photograph in relation to what's going on here. So, I think I'll give this blog another shot. What I have to keep reminding myself is that this is really more of a journal for myself and my family. Don't know why I have to make everything so confusing.

We are three weeks in (with 50-something more to go!) but I have to say, things are going well. One of my fears is that I would be bored. I've always looked forward to Steve's companionship at the end of each day, and this time around I am home full-time, rather than working full-time, so I was concerned that I'd never see another human and that the only conversations I'd have would revolve around Legos, Bakugans, and who annoyed who first. Luckily, that is all proving to be wasted worry. I'm "Room Mom" for Camden's second-grade class, we have soccer going on (although ending this week), church, library stuff, and, last but not least, I've just signed on to be Den Mother to ten second grade Cub Scouts. Lord help me.

The boys are doing well, and while they make great strides each week (in dealing with Steve's absence), I have to say I have been surprised at just how difficult it is for them. We are still having nights where Camden has a good cry before going to sleep at night and really, it is heartbreaking. I know how much I miss Steve, but then I think about being seven years old and not exactly understanding why all of this is happening and it just about kills me. Yesterday, as I was rushing around getting Camden ready for school, I happened upon Griff sitting in the rocking chair, kind of staring off into space. I asked him what he was thinking about, and he said, "When my Dad's in Mississippi, my heart has a big crack in it." Two minutes before, he'd been eating cereal and watching cartoons, and two minutes later he was off playing in his bedroom, but I have to constantly remind myself that they are both thinking about this a lot. At times I feel pretty much helpless as to how to help them feel better. This is the part that I really, really do not like.

As for me, I'm doing fine, although I seem to keep feeling very overwhelmed with all the "stuff" I need to do. I know that making a list each morning would really help, so I need to get back into that habit. I think I did it for one day, and was amazed at how much I'd felt I'd accomplished at the end of the day. Clearly, it is also hard to feel as though I'm getting any time to myself but I'm not sure that there is really a way around that one. I've had grand plans of staying up each night, after the boys go to bed, but I'm finding that instead, I'm in bed right after they are, so that I can do some reading. I kind of like that kind of "me" time better than the chore-accomplishing kind anyway!

Steve is doing well and his schedule has allowed for us to have lots of contact with him. I'm glad that the boys are pretty much able to call him whenever the mood strikes, and we continue to use Skype as well.

I hear a 4-year old stirring in the next room, which is my signal to get this day in motion.

I Love Technology

Skyping with Daddy

We finally have Skype up and running, after a few pratfalls. I ordered a new battery for my laptop, along with a fancy-pants web cam, and then waited patiently for them to arrive. When they did, I plugged in my laptop to charge the new battery, only to find that my power cord was dead. Luckily for me, Dell was super nice and sent the cord to me by overnight mail at no charge. Thanks, Dell! We were able to try it out last Thursday, and it was really great to actually "see" Steve's face. The boys just loved it! Yesterday, Camden was missing Steve pretty badly, so he called him up and told him that he wished he could see him on the computer. A few minutes later, Steve called back and was at the Internet cafe and the boys spent some time chatting with him. So wonderful to be able to do this!

Getting a Grip

The boys are in bed and I'm getting ready to turn in myself. I had grand plans of staying up late tonight and getting some things accomplished, but I am plain tired and think I will try to read for a bit instead. I've spent the past couple of days feeling really down in the dumps - - just feeling so blah. I decided to just give myself a couple of days, but then I need to make that concerted effort to get on with all of this because a long year will be even longer if I choose to wallow. It is not a wallowing about, "I can't do this", but just that I seriously cannot believe that we are not going to see Steve for such a long time. It just stinks, plain and simple.

I'm also seeing pretty clearly that for the foreseeable future, this will be something that we deal with on a day-to-day basis, as far as how everyone is doing emotionally. Camden has broken down a couple of times this week, completely out of the blue. Griffin is still pretty reserved, but very clingy to me and wanting to make sure I am not going anywhere. I'm so proud of how well they are doing, but oh my goodness do they miss their Daddy.

My laptop has been out of commission since this past June (when my battery bit the dust) but I finally ordered a new battery yesterday, along with a high-def web cam. Cannot wait to start using Skype with Steve. It doesn't sound as though he will have great Internet access while in Mississippi, but ironically, once he gets to Iraq, it will be much better.

I am so thankful for modern technology - - it has been really great to be able to exchange text messages with Steve, and even talk with him a couple of times each day. Tonight, while at Camden's soccer game, I was able to give Steve the play-by-play throughout the game, and send him a picture of Cam via text message. I will miss this aspect so much when he leaves the United States, but will make the most of it for now, while we have that luxury.

I am immediately seeing how different this deployment is going to be from the previous one. So very different with two little boys, than with one baby. Before, I was working full-time outside the home, now I am a full-time homemaker. My relationship with Steve is so much different now than it was five years ago. I know that I depend on his companionship so much more than I ever did back then. I think this will be my most challenging adjustment. I know that I just need to give myself some time to get use to all of this.

And So It Begins...

We are now officially out of the "pre-deployment" stage, and in the "deployment" stage. I have to admit, there is a sense of relief that comes with that - - just getting past all of the fear and anticipation, wondering how the children will fare, all of our different stresses and how they manifest. I am glad to now focus my energy on counting down the days until Steve comes home, rather than counting the days with dread until he has to leave.

As for the boys, I'm not sure that Griffin still really understands the fact that Steve will be gone for such a long period of time. He hasn't said much outside of, "I miss my Dad!" about a dozen times per day. Right before Steve boarded his plane, the four of us were having a bit of an emotional moment, when Griffin said, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" to the rest of us ~ he's not big on getting all touchy-feely, apparently. Camden has had a rough few days, and I will admit that seeing him hurt like that was more difficult than I was prepared for. I'm sure we will have more bumps along the way, but I know we will be fine.

I keep thinking about how lucky I am, that I get to be here, in our home, with our children. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is for Steve, having to go without seeing his boys for such a long time. I am so proud of him.

Sweet Nectar of the Gods

The planets have aligned, the heavens have opened, and a Starbucks has just opened, less than a mile from my home in our teeny, tiny little town. I may just survive this deployment after all!

Thoughts

Steve is still in the state of Idaho for a few more weeks, but in that time, the boys and I will only see him a mere handful of days. For all intents and purposes, we are now officially in Deployment Mode. It is kind of funny how many "slaps of reality" I've had over the past few days. The biggest one? I need to get in shape, in a MAJOR way. Seriously. I am so tired these past few days I can't even believe it! Our normal routine is that when Steve would come home at night, the boys would be all over him, and he basically played with them until they went to bed. During that time I'd have time to relax, tend to a few chores, etc. Now that he's not here, I'm going full-tilt from the time I get up (usually 6:00 a.m.) until their little heads hit the pillow. For my sanity, I really must make exercise part of my daily routine, I need to lose some weight (after all, I did have my "baby" almost four years ago now!), and put my well-being high on the priority list. This is something I have always struggled with, especially since becoming a mother. No time for me...need to tend to everyone else's needs first. So, we shall see what happens...