Proceed With Caution

I'm afraid this post is going to end up as a whole lot of whining, so consider yourself forewarned.

The last time Steve was deployed, he did all of his pre-deployment training in another state. So, in the end, he was gone a total of 18 months. This time, the training and preparation are taking place here, so he gets to be home, which is great. On the other hand, I'm finding that what we are getting is an over-tired, stressed out, slightly grouchy husband and father when he comes home at night. His schedule is unpredictable, and his days are long. I know all of these factors only add to his stress - - he also has all the things at home that he wants and needs to get done before he leaves. I try to keep all of this in mind and choose my battles. I keep telling myself that I need to have more patience, that I need to tailor my reactions to random occurrences accordingly. I tell myself this, but so far I'm not doing the best job. Here's where some whining comes in.

One of the most difficult things about being a stay-at-home mother, in my opinion, is that I find it terribly difficult to take care of myself in any way, shape, or form. While I know this is a challenge for all mothers, I found it a bit easier as a working mother (I worked full-time until Griffin was born) because I had the benefit of being around other adults during the day, I had the ability to use my brain in a different way, and I had my glorious lunch breaks, which I used for brisk walks, five days per week. There is nothing I'd rather be doing than staying home with my boys, but oh, how I miss those aspects of working outside the home.

How does all of this fit together, you ask? For me, I realize from time to time that I put an awful lot of pressure (unconsciously) on my husband, to be all those things to me - - the things that I use to get from going to work every day. The added pressure of what's to come in the next few months seems to make it even worse. So, we're starting to have snappy little arguments about dumb things, because we are stressed and tired. We waste time trying to one-up each other on who has it worse. These are moments in time that I will surely regret, come September. I sure would like to know how I'm supposed to decompress, though. I can't seem to figure it out in "regular" life, and it is proving even more difficult now. I want to be able to process my thoughts and feelings, but I feel like I can't (and shouldn't) add to my husband's load, and I need to keep on an even keel for my boys. I keep stuffing things down and hoping I will have an opportunity to deal with it once Steve deploys, yet I don't want to wish the time away.

I suppose this is the most difficult time of this whole thing - - the hurry-up-and-wait part. I don't like it. I'm afraid I'm going to be a nut-case before we ever even get to September. I want to enjoy time with Steve, but I feel like I am getting the last little crumbs of him - - the stuff that is left over after work has its way with him, after stress fills his brain, after he comes home and plays with the boys...by then he's too tired to listen to my ramblings of the day and I go to bed feeling irritated and alone.

So, today I am whiney. I'm kind of bitter. And I am really irritated. I'm going to go with it for the day and get it out of my system, and then I'm going to get a grip and get on with it.